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Will and I grew up on the same street. His house sat on the top of the hill, mine the bottom. We’d speed-wobble down the hill on our longboards and scooters, haul our wheels back up, then zip back down. Over and over. Late nights played out in his basement: pull-out couch, power cage, TV, gaming console, and a bathroom. In between video game rounds and bench press sets, we’d sit on our phones on the pull-out bed. We’d almost always eventually find ourselves scouring tabs of porn. Whoever found a good enough video first went into the bathroom to jerk their cock. I always made sure Will went first. Knowing what he was doing in there, and knowing only a flimsy bathroom door separated us, drove me insane in the best way. I’d lie perfectly still, hoping to catch even a mutter of a moan or the faintest slick stroke of his cock. When it was my turn to jerk off in the bathroom, I rarely watched porn. Instead, I relied on the image in my head: Will, just minutes earlier, standing in the same spot on the tile floor, staring into the same mirror, pumping lotion from the same bottle I held now. Another night on the pull-out, Will–all smirk and swagger–casually yanked his hard cock from his shorts and slapped it against his stomach like it was nothing. Zero fucks. It took everything in me not to lunge, stare, or let him see how badly I wanted it. I then whipped out my (obviously hard-as-fuck) dick from my pants. “Jesus fucking Christ, Theo. You’re fucking huge. What the fuck!” He was in disbelief. We even positioned them dicks side by side- mine towered over his. One day in P.E. class, Will, an upperclassman Zach, and I were sitting on the gymnasium floor. Will and Zach were buds. They’d roar around town in Zach’s Ford F-150. Zach was sexy as hell: blond, blue-eyed, lean, and cocky as fuck. Out of nowhere, Will turns to him and goes, “You know Theo has a huge cock?” Zach and I just kind of smiled. But god, how I loved that Will said it.

Sanctum

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Pantheon of Men

  • Michael Fassbender
  • John Holmes
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Media Miscellany, Film.

Andre Aciman We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster, that we go bankrupt by the age of 30. And have less to offer, each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing, so as not to feel anything. What a waste. … How you live your life is your business. Just remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once, and before you know it, your heart’s worn out. And as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it much less wants to come near it. Right now, there’s sorrow, pain. Don’t kill it, and with it, the joy you felt.

Sgt. Chris Kenner She was frightened.
Johnny Murata Sgt. I saw you strip down for that hot tub. I’d be frightened too.
Johnny Murata Kenner, just in case we get killed, I wanted to tell you, you have the biggest dick I’ve ever seen on a man.
Sgt. Chris Kenner Thanks.

🔗

Bridget Gregory Could you leave? Please.
Mike Swale Well, I haven’t finished charming you yet.
Bridget Gregory You haven’t started.
Mike Swale Give me a chance.
Bridget Gregory Look, go find yourself a nice little cowgirl and make nice little cow babies and leave me alone.
Mike Swale I’m hung like a horse. Think about it.
Bridget Gregory Let’s see.
Mike Swale Excuse me?
Bridget Gregory Mr Ed, let’s see.
🔗

Connor I bet it doesn’t feel like this when that boy of yours does it.
Mia Williams No.
Connor Is his cock this big?
Mia Williams No.

William We’ll make spears. Hundreds of them. Long spears, twice as long as a man.
Hamish That long?
William Ay.
Hamish Some men are longer than others.
Campbell Your mother’s been telling stories about me again, ah?

Dr. Dr. Kinsey, how large is your penis?
Dr. Kinsey Excuse me?
Dr. When erect, how large is it? How long from the scrotum? Here? Here? Here? … I’m surprised you didn’t pass out.
🔗

BRANDON padding naked along a corridor
p. 1
He pushes open his bedroom door. It’s like a murder scene.
Pale blue sheets in disarray, the mattress nearly coming off
the bed, sheets soaked with sweat and the smell of sex.
p. 44.

📑

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Media Miscellany, Television.

Jack Gallo So you’ve never compared yourself to other men?
Dennis Finch No. I mean, only guys in porno movies. I just figured I was a little bigger than average.

Dennis Finch Hey, we meet again. So, wanna hit the town tonight?
Woman I’ve got plans.
Dennis Finch You might wanna change ’em.
Woman Oh? And why is that?
Dennis Finch Well, let’s just say I put my pants on three legs at a time.
Woman What are you talking about?
Dennis Finch I’m saying why settle for a ukulele when you can play the cello?
Woman Are you having some sort of a breakdown?
Dennis Finch You know what? You’re right. I’m not making sense. Perhaps there’s not enough blood in my brain, because it’s all in my ridiculously large penis.

S4 E21 →

Cal (video) I have a very pretty dick. Do you want to see it?.
Hookup #1 (video) What do you like to be called? Mister? Master? Daddy?

Cal I want to talk to you. You’re a strong man, Nathaniel. I knew it from the moment you were born. You have an… iron will… …drive, determination. I’ve always admired that in you. Because some day, it will lead you to greatness. But no one in this world will ever root for you. They’ll see what I see and they’ll despise you for it. Sometimes you’ll know, and sometimes you won’t. But the farther you go, the sharper their blade. Just don’t ever give them an opening.

Rue (V.O.) By 12, he had adopted a rigid diet and workout schedule…He joined the football team as a freshman and quickly excelled. By the year’s end, he was not only the starting quarterback, but the team captain. He loved the crowds, the pats on the back, the cheers, the feeling of winning. But he hated being in the locker room. He hated how casual how his teammates were about being naked… …how they’d talk to him with their dicks hanging out. He made a concerted effort to always maintain eye contact during these exchanges. Every now and then, he’d forget, and accidentally catch a glimpse of someone’s penis.

S1 E2 →

Susan I just wanted to say “congratulations.”
Lynette For what?
Susan Well, I don’t mean to be crass, but when I walked in one you guys, I couldn’t help but notice that Tom is quite… gifted. … How come you never told us you were sleeping with Tommy Tripod?
S7 E9 →

Sally …What did you see in him? He’s so dull! I need personality, verve, humor. At least now I know why you called him donkey-brain!
Susan Actually, I called him ‘donkey’.
Sally Yeah, but I got the point.
Susan …No you didn’t.
Sally What? You mean… you mean…?
Susan Some men are born lucky. Some men are born very lucky.
Sally What was Patrick born?
Susan A tripod.
S1 E2 →

Mark Yeah, but I mean, does size really make a difference? You know what woman always say?
Patrick Ouch?
S3 E7 →

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Media Miscellany, Scholarly Articles and Books.

…man is measured by the amount of space he can take up, by the depths he can penetrate, and by the size of the hole he can make, in our bodies and in our atmosphere.

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Pseudonym: Theo Mack.

prefix: theo-

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Testimony: Messages of Praise

Bingo!

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